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J’ai longtemps cru au système “effort - récompense” inculqué par mon éducation judéo-chrétienne. C’est un relent de foi très répandu, même parmis les plus athés et les plus rationnels d’entre nous. Cet adage dit à peu près : “Si tu fais de ton mieux pour arriver à quelque chose, si tu y mets de la bonne volonté, ça arrivera” ou encore “Aide toi, le ciel t’aidera”.

Comme si une entité supérieure, la providence ou la vie elle même, était garante des récompenses à redistribuer à chacun.
Comme si un ange gardien comptabilisait en secret nos efforts et notre engagement.

Pour moi, ça relève plutôt de la pensée magique pratiquée par les enfants ou certains adultes toqués (atteints de TOCs) : “Si je traverse le parc en un nombre pair de pas, j’aurais une voiture rouge à noël”. La vérité, c’est que l’univers tourne en roue libre, qu’il n’y a pas de filet et que rien ne s’écrit à l’avance. Quand on prend conscience de cette vérité, tout retour en arrière est impossible : Il faut vivre avec un vertige chronique. Je donnerais n’importe quoi pour retrouver mon innocence d’enfant et une confiance aveugle en la vie.

Quand j’étais gosse, je projetais mon avenir comme un dû, un acquis : Il suffit de bien travailler à l’école, d’être sage et prévenant et la vie coulera de source comme pour tous ceux qui sont du bon coté de la vie. Les galères sont réservées à ceux qui choisissent les mauvais chemins : drogue, paresse, vie dissolue. Tout au plus, quelques épreuves viendront parsemer mon chemin, histoire de me renforcer, de tester mon engagement dans la vie. Puis, avec un peu de patience, cette sérénité et cette sagesse que dégagent des grandes personnes viendront à moi, comme les fruits viennent à l’arbre qui sait attendre.

Mais la sérénité des adultes est feinte. Ils se sont sacrifié pour protéger leurs enfants, en érigeant un rempart d’illusions rassurantes entre le monde et eux. Ils nous donnaient l’impression que les adultes savaient ce qu’ils faisaient, que le monde disposait en son sein d’autant de solutions que de problèmes, qu’il en émanait une cohérence intrinsèque.

Mais avec l’âge viennent le tourment et les angoisses. Angoisse du temps qui passe, choix d’une vie professionnelle, sentimentale. L’anxiété et la dépression me frappent. Rien ne se fait tout seul, rien n’est dû.

Paradoxalement, le plus angoissant est de se découvrir totalement libre de tous ses choix, unique garant de sa propre vie. La vie ne se construit pas toute seule. Il faut lui fournir de l’énergie, dépasser ses craintes, s’engager. Si on cesse de maintenir cette tension minimum (ou “élan vital” comme disent les psys) , tout se casse la gueule. Certaines âmes fortes portent leur famille sur leurs épaules, ou une entreprise, ou toute une nation. Pour moi, la seule reponsabilité de ma propre existence me semble déjà monstrueuse.

Il y a des jours comme ça, ou je réalise l’énergie à fournir pour me maintenir en vie jusqu’à : ma mort, l’an prochain ou la semaine prochaine, c’est selon. Et je trouve ça effroyable, et je me dis qu’on ne devrait pas avoir à vivre tous les jours, que je voudrais donner ma vie à une autre personne pour qu’elle la vive à ma place le temps de la réparer, pour me la rendre ensuite.

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